It's warming up a little now, just last week we were treated to wonderful, yet brief, 80 degree weather before everything went back to that wet, bone chilling cold we get at the end of winter every year. I believe thats Mama Nature's way of saying, "Roll that two wheeler out the garage, biker-scum! It's almost time to ride!"

Hence begins the ritual of rebuilding the carburetor.

To rebuild your carburetor it is important to note that you should not, in any way, winterize your motorcycle. Don't drain the bowls, don't turn the gas off and run it dry, and no fuel stabilizer. Period. Failure to do any of these things could result in your not getting to rebuild the carburetors, which we all know is the reason for the season, no? It is also important to point out that you should NOT attach any sort of battery maintainer to your bike. There's just no sport in it.

Ok, first, you need to wake up on a warm spring day that has caught you by surprise. It is to your advantage to be hungover. While laying in the bed, listening to the sound of your head and songbirds harmonizing, you should realize that now is a perfectly acceptable time to get your Kawahondukimaha ZGRFSX 10000 ready for a ride.

"Should start right up, I mean the last time I rode it was a couple of months ago."

A couple of months ago usually equals at least three real months to every one imagined month. More than enough time for the Mazola you paid 3.29 a gallon for last year to have gelled into something resembling Giraffe snot.

So you pour yourself a cuppa joe and head out into the garage before realizing you don't know where your key is. Then you go back in and rummage through drawers, old shoes, and nightstand hubris until you give up and use the original you have that you found after making a copy of your spare when you lost your key last spring.

The coffee is cold, so you pour another and head back out to the garage.

You then spill coffee on the tank while trying to stab the key into the ignition. Put some hair around it why don't you?, you think as you mop up the spill. Turn the key, no lights. Check the battery, it's hooked up. Put it on the trickle charger, no more than two amps! Go inside and fall asleep on the couch. Wake up two hours later because you forgot to leave the dog out side and he has shit on the living room carpet. The dog stares at you, guiltless this time, because it's YOUR fault. Clean up the mess and discover why it's better to use a plastic bag instead of a paper towel to pick up doggie-doo. Never heard of paper towel "break through" technology? That's why.

Go back out to the garage where you discover an even worse smell than the one in your living room. Your battery is hot to the touch with anything capable of producing an electric charge evaporated into the air around you and giving you some sort of third testicle in your lung. Chicks will dig it.

Hop into the truck and go buy a battery. Depending on what you ride, this can be relatively easy and inexpensive to find at a Cycle Gear, Wal-Mart, Batteries Plus, or innumerable auto parts stores. Unless it's a Harley.   For some strange reason H-D batteries are special. H-D specifies a certain fit and function that is not easy find, so most people use a lawn mower battery.

While you are purchasing your battery, it is important to remember some starting fluid, the kind with the upper cylinder lubricant. You won't remember it, but it is important for me to say that you should right now.

Go home, put the acid in your battery and put it on the trickle charger now. Read the instructions that say: "Put charge electrical battery for a hour prior to installing installation" Go back inside and discover the dog got in the trash because you forgot to feed it, ate it's own poo, then blew chunks all over the carpet again. Spend next forty-five minutes cleaning up yours and the dog's vomit. Go out side to check bike.

No bad smells this time, and viola!, the lights come on. Hit the button with the lightning bolt. Turns over, but no joy. Remember that starting fluid? I told you so.

Go to that smart-ass neighbor who has every chemical, every tool, and can make things start by looking at them. Tell him you have ants and need some starting fluid, that you read it on the internets. Go back to your garage and wait for him to go in the house.

Allright, give it one or two shots into the airbox. It doesn't matter, it's not gonna run anyway. Turn the key and hit the button. Turn on the choke and do it again.

VRRRROOOOooooommmmm...........

Yay, I fixed it!

Keep doing that until it barely idles at about 200 rpm, while randomly squirting ether in the airbox. You can't give it any real gas, because if you do, it will bog out and die. You know why? Your main jets are clogged. They use these tiny little holes that are actually smaller in micron size that the filter media in a fuel filter. So, your bike will run with a partially clogged filter, but if even a bad thought gets stuck in your main jets you're screwed....

Anyway, you're still letting it barely idle, hoping that somehow, magically, the new gas that you didn't put in, is cleaning the holes that a mouse fart could plug. Did I mention that while it idles like this, there is insufficient oil pressure being produced? That's why it is also NEVER a good idea to put fresh oil in your bike before storing it for the winter.

The bike never does run, so you go to the Gas & Sip and pick up a half rack of Pabst. Then you call that guy....you know the one.

"Hello?"

"Hey Kevin, this is Johnny, waasssuuuupp?"

"Hey man, whatcha doin?"

"Nothin, what's up with you?"

"Ah well, you know, trying to keep a positive attitude after my shop with four Rolls-Royces was flooded, and then my house burned down, all that stuff, know what I mean?"

"yeah, no shit man I hear you. My carbs are all gummed up. What a bitch, huh?"

"Aw, that sucks! You want me to come over and take a look at em'?"

"Kevin, you're the best."